... from one of you guys! Please note the good overall story structure with the need for some tweaking and moving around, use of quotes or lack thereof, need to better proofread work and ascertain accuracy of names, titles and such facts, A NEUTRAL EXPERT (which many of us failed to include in our stories), etc. It's a pretty typical example of a solid first assignment.
Having said that, it wouldn't be a solid second assignment. But that's okay. The first assignment is the hardest one to do, since many of you haven't written news stories before. You don't know how much time it's going to take; you don't know how long to wait to see if an interview source will blow you off (the correct answer is, don't wait. Start looking for backup sources right away; the worst thing that happens is too many people call you back, and that's a good problem to have, right?) and you don't know what the final product is supposed to look like.
But now, we do. The trick to doing well in this class is to learn from this, decide what we did well and what we could do better, and then the next time apply those lessons to do an even better job on the next out-of-classer, just like we've been doing with the practice stories.
Take a look at this one, and see what you think:
JRN 200
7.2.15
UNDERAGE DRINKING
College is the most prevalent place for underage drinking.
Why is it such a problem and what is being done to prevent it. QUESTION MARK, STED COMMA HERE
Most students entering their freshman year of college are
aged 17 to 18. Many social activities involve the consumption of alcohol making
it hard for minors to say no. This means that underage drinking is common during
a student’s first few years of school.
THIS IS A BETTER
PLACE FOR THE KATHRYN BECKETT QUOTE IN THE FOURTH GRAF, AS IT BEST SUPPORTS THE
MAIN POINT OF THE NUT GRAF
THIS IS A BETTER
PLACE FOR THE GRAF WITH STATISTICS FROM THE CDC ESTABLISHING THE DEPTH OF THE
PROBLEM
Michigan State University, like many other large universities COMMA HERE is known for its
parties that are based around drinking. “If we win or lose a game in any sport,
it’s enough of a reason for most of us to drink,” said Michigan State student Ellen
DiPietro.
“The main way
to socialize in college is to go to parties and drink,” said Kathryn Beckett.
“It all starts during welcome week in the fall which sets the tone for the rest
of the year,” she said. MOVE UP THIS
QUOTE AS NOTED EARLIER
Jake Bennett, a bouncer of three years at PTO’Malleys (a bar
located in East Lansing) said that during peak times of the year, up to 20 fake
ID’s IDs, PLURAL, STED ID’s, POSSESSIVE
could be confiscated in one week. This means that minors are going out of their
way to be able to be involved in the social night life around campus.
“The actions we use to prevent minors [from entering] is
purely by checking ID’s,” IDs, PLURAL,
STED ID’s, POSSESSIVsaid Bennett. He also said that to enforce this rule,
if a bouncer is caught letting minors in, they get fired.
There are many concerns from adults and authority officials that work on campus. “Most
of the time, intoxicated individuals are called in by RA’s or stopped because they’re
drawing attention to themself or are in danger of harming themself,” said Sergeant SGT., ABBREVIATED,STED SERGEANT SPELLED OUT, PER AP STYLE Florene
McGlothian-Taylor, of the Michigan State Police. *** THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO BEING A FATAL: MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY
POLICE, NOT MICHIGAN STATE POLICE. THE TWO ARE COMPLETELY SEPARATE AGENCIES.
NEXT TIME THIS IS A FATAL ***
Sergeant
McGlothian- Taylor JUST
MCGLOTHIAN-TAYLOR HERE; USE ONLY LAST NAME WITHOUT FIRST NAME OR TITLE IN
SECOND AND SUBSEQUENT REFERNCES, PER AP STYLE said that there is an
increase in alcohol use in the fall. This is because it is many students first
time away from home. Also, football season is the only season where tailgating
is allowed she said.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports an
average of 144 alcohol attributable deaths per year for people under 21 years
of age in the state of Michigan. Of those 144, 32 are female and 112 are male.
This means that it is very important for underage drinkers to be responsible. MOVE UP THIS QUOTE AS NOTED EARLIER
Some actions
that are taken by the MSU police department to stop underage drinking are
presentations in resident halls to new students and parent orientations. These
orientations remind parents to encourage their children to be safe COMMA HERE said McGlothian- Taylor.
Statistics from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health
report that alcohol dependence is highest among persons who started consuming
alcohol at a younger age.
Associate professor of Behavioral Neuroscience at Purdue, NO COMMA HERE Julia Chester said that there are many
negative effects of binge drinking. GREAT
NEUTRAL EXPERT HERE!
THIS IS A GOOD PLACE
FOR A QUOTE FROM CHESTER. DON’T JUST TELL ME SHE SAID SOMETHING; SHOW ME WHAT
SHE SAID
There are different personality types that fall into
different categories of what type of a drinker someone might be. HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? ATTRIBUTE!
Chester said that 20 percent of freshmen come to college
already having drinking problems. This means that it is too late for
preventative programs like those offered by McGlothian-Taylor to be affective. MISSPELLING: EFFECTIVE, STED AFFECTIVE
THIS IS A GOOD PLACE FOR A SUPPORTING
RELATED QUOTE FROM CHESTER. AGAIN, SHOW ME; DON’T JUST TELL ME
There are also
a number of freshman that are subject to peer pressure COMMA HERE said Chester. Those students are the ones that are
trying to create a social life for themselves and fit in. Colleges try to
target this type of student to prevent falling subject to peer pressure.
THIS IS A GOOD PLACE FOR A SUPPORTING
RELATED QUOTE FROM CHESTER. AGAIN, SHOW ME; DON’T JUST TELL ME
Many efforts to
help underage drinkers realize the negative effects of drinking go without much
thought. Media portrays that the typical college experience involves heavy
drinking and it has an influence on many young adults. HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? ATTRIBUTE!
According to Chester, binge drinking is defined as five
drinks in one sitting for males and four drinks in one sitting for females. The
negative effects of binge drinking range from increased STD and rape rates,
problems with the law, and trauma accidents COMMA GOES HERE said Chester.
THIS IS A GOOD PLACE FOR A SUPPORTING
RELATED QUOTE FROM CHESTER. AGAIN, SHOW ME; DON’T JUST TELL ME
She mentioned SAID,
STED MENTIONED that there are many cases of death caused by trauma
accidents by those who are overly intoxicated. An incident recently occurred at
Purdue University where an intoxicated student was electrocuted which lead to
his death said Chester. NO NEED FOR
SECOND ATTRIBUTION IN A PARAGRAPH WHERE THERE HAS ALREADY BEEN A FIRST
ATTRBUTION AND NO OTHER SOURCE
Chester is also involved in researching the effects of
alcohol on the brain. She said that there is evidence that alcohol can alter
cognitive abilities and put people at risk for addiction.
THIS IS A GOOD PLACE FOR A SUPPORTING
RELATED QUOTE FROM CHESTER. AGAIN, SHOW ME; DON’T JUST TELL ME
Word Count: 716
Sources:
Sergeant
Florene McGlothian-Taylor,
Public
Information Officer
Michigan
State University Police
1120 Red
Cedar Road
East Lansing,
Michigan 48824
Julia Chester
(765)-494-6863
Jake Bennett
Bouncer at PTO’Malleys (Bar in East Lansing)
(517)-614-5382
Kathryn Beckett
(612)-719-5030
Ellen DiPietro
Student at
Michigan State University
(781)-626-2975
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
The National Survey on Drug Use and Health
ASSIGNMENT GRADE: (GRADE REDACTED)
INSTRUCTOR COMMENTS:
NICE WORK! VERY NICE STRUCTURE, GOOD RANGE OF SOURCES FROM MULTIPLE PERSPECTIVES
(STUDENTS WHO DRINK, PROFESSIONALS WHO DEAL WITH DRINKERS, A NEUTRAL EXPERT),
GOOD STATITICS THAT DEFINE THE PROBLEM, ETC. WE COULD BETTER SUPPORT THE LEDE
AND NUT GRAF BY MOVING UP SOME INFO AS NOTED, AND WE CAN ADD A BIT OF A HUMAN
VOICE AND BETTER CONTEXT BY OFFERING MORE QUOTES FROM THE NEUTRAL EXPERT. AND
WE NEED OT BE VERY CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE WE ARE PRECISE IN NAMES AND TITLES,
LIKE WITH THE MSU PLICE/MICHIGAN STATE POLICE THING. BUT REALLY, A VERY NICE
FIRST JOB.
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