Let's look at this story:
“My mommy needs help.”
Imagine if that chilling statement
was the first thing you heard on the other end of the line when you answered your
phone. For a police dispatcher in East Lansing today, this was a reality.
Police responded to the call from a
brave 6-year-old girl who said her mother was hit after a man entered their
house on Wilson Avenue through the back door.
The intruder was identified as 24-year-old Andrew
Caspinwall after police arrived at the scene.
Caspinwall, a neighbor of the victim, allegedly
raped the child’s mother at knifepoint and is being held in the county jail
with bail set at $250,000.
Now, there are two things that jump out to me: first, this story seems really, really short. Second, we start with a quote, which in general we should not do.
Now. let's address those points: first, the story is very short. But is it thorough? Does it have all main points covered? Does it offer enough background to make sense of the main points? I think it does.
Now, I do think we missed an opportunity here to further lay out this story, and that would have been to offer the chronological narrative of how things unfolded in sequence right after what is written here. And popping in a few more quotes along the way would be helpful.
But, I do have to admit what is here is enough.
Second, in general we absolutely don't want to lede with a quote, unless the quote perfectly sums up the facts and/or context of a story, and it simply cannot be topped using a more traditional lede.
In this case, with the Peanut Barrel-type "wow!" of the quote, and the way it so perfectly sets up the nut graf, I would say this is one of those times.
Some professors and editors will disagree with me on this one, and say that rule is absolute. I say, bullshit. The only rules that are absolute is that we have to get it right; we have to meet our deadlines; we have to report on behalf of the audience; and anything we do in how we tell the story best tells the story and is the best form for facts, context and meaning to be comprehended by the audience.
As long as we meet those goals with everything we do, then everything else is subjective.
Now, here I changed one thing from your story as written that I thought didn't work well, and that was I split up the last three grafs from one big mega-graf that we wrote:
Now, here I changed one thing from your story as written that I thought didn't work well, and that was I split up the last three grafs from one big mega-graf that we wrote:
Police responded to the call from a
brave 6-year-old girl who said her mother was hit after a man entered their
house on Wilson Avenue through the back door. The intruder was identified as 24-year-old Andrew
Caspinwall after police arrived at the scene. Caspinwall, a neighbor of the victim, allegedly
raped the child’s mother at knifepoint and is being held in the county jail
with bail set at $250,000.
Which, when narrowed to a typical newspaper column width, would look like this:
Police responded to the call
from a brave 6-year-old girl
who said her mother was hit
after a man entered their house
on Wilson Avenue through the
back door. The intruder was
identified as 24-year-old Andrew
Caspinwall after police arrived
at the scene. Caspinwall, a
neighbor of the victim, allegedly
raped the child’s mother at
knifepoint and is being held
in the county jail with bail set
at $250,000.
Let's remember that a graf should have just one main point OR one supporting/elaborating/continuing point OR one quote per graf. The first sentence is the main point; the second expands on the point by naming the alleged attacker; and the third offers greater details. Each should stand alone, like this:
Police responded to the call
from a brave 6-year-old girl
who said her mother was hit
after a man entered their house
on Wilson Avenue through the
back door.
The intruder was identified
as 24-year-old Andrew
Caspinwall after police arrived
at the scene.
Caspinwall, a neighbor
of the victim, allegedly
raped the child’s mother at
knifepoint and is being held
in the county jail with bail set
at $250,000.
Like we've said earlier, the point of short grafs is to let key points and supporting details stand out, like they would in a lecture outline. If in doubt, just hit the "return" key.
Which, when narrowed to a typical newspaper column width, would look like this:
Police responded to the call
from a brave 6-year-old girl
who said her mother was hit
after a man entered their house
on Wilson Avenue through the
back door. The intruder was
identified as 24-year-old Andrew
Caspinwall after police arrived
at the scene. Caspinwall, a
neighbor of the victim, allegedly
raped the child’s mother at
knifepoint and is being held
in the county jail with bail set
at $250,000.
Let's remember that a graf should have just one main point OR one supporting/elaborating/continuing point OR one quote per graf. The first sentence is the main point; the second expands on the point by naming the alleged attacker; and the third offers greater details. Each should stand alone, like this:
Police responded to the call
from a brave 6-year-old girl
who said her mother was hit
after a man entered their house
on Wilson Avenue through the
back door.
The intruder was identified
as 24-year-old Andrew
Caspinwall after police arrived
at the scene.
Caspinwall, a neighbor
of the victim, allegedly
raped the child’s mother at
knifepoint and is being held
in the county jail with bail set
at $250,000.
Like we've said earlier, the point of short grafs is to let key points and supporting details stand out, like they would in a lecture outline. If in doubt, just hit the "return" key.
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