911: Typical Examples ...

... of our work on this one. Again, nice job with structure, but we could do a lot better with attribution and the use of allegedly. Here are a couple of examples, with my comments in BOLD CAPS:

East Lansing resident Andrew Caspinwall was arrested today on a rape charge after a 6-year-old called 911 during the ALLEGED attack.

            The girl’s mother was the victim and the girl called the police after Caspinwall ALLEGEDLY entered their home.

            “My mommy needs help,” the girl told the dispatcher. ACCORDING TO A TRANSCRIPT OF THE 911 CALL. ATTRIBUTE!  “Somebody’s hurting my mommy.”

            The girl went on to tell the dispatcher where she lived and that the attacker had ALLEGEDLY come through the back door and hit her mommy, OUTSIDE OF QUOTES, WE CAN SAY MOTHER INSTEAD OF THE MORE CONVERSATIONAL MOMMY according to the call transcript.

            She then locked herself in her parent’s PARENTS’, STED PARENT’S room upstairs upon the request of the dispatcher COMMA HERE according to the call transcript.

            The dispatcher then asked if the attacker had a gun and the girl responded saying, “No.  A knife,” according to the call transcript. 

            After that, the dispatcher stayed on the phone and calmed the girl down until the police arrived, according to the call transcript. 

            The victim was taken to the hospital when the police arrived, according to the transcript.

            Caspinwall is currently being held in the county jail with a bail set at $250,000.

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A man was arrested in East Lansing today when a 6-year-old girl reported his ALLEGED attack on her mother to a 911 operator.

            Twenty-four-year-old Andrew Caspinwall of 416 Wilson Ave. is being held in the Ingham County Jail on a charge of rape.  His bail is set at $250,000.

            According to the transcript of the 6-year-old’s 911 call, Caspinwall was ALLEGEDLY armed with a knife when he entered the back door of her home and hit her mother.

            The young girl told the dispatcher that, unbeknownst to Caspinwall, she hid upstairs under her parents’ bed, where she could hear her mother crying as the ALLEGED assault occurred. ACCORDING TO THE TRANSCRIPT. ATTRIBUTE!

            The dispatcher proceeded to tell the 6-year-old to lock the bedroom door, and that three police cars were coming to help her mother. ACCORDING TO THE TRANSCRIPT. ATTRIBUTE!

            Police arrived shortly after and arranged to take the young girl’s mother to the hospital, the call transcript revealed. SAID, STED REVEALED The girl’s father was also on his way after the police managed to locate him.

            Once Caspinwall was caught and arrested, the 911 dispatcher instructed the 6-year-old girl to unlock the bedroom door and go downstairs to speak with the authorities. ACCORDING TO THE TRANSCRIPT. ATTRIBUTE!