Rescue: A Few Good Examples ...

... of doing this story well. First, this one:

Play fort-building with friends ended tragically yesterday at 4:40 p.m., after a tunnel four boys were digging suddenly collapsed and only three made it out alive. 

The victim has been identified as 11-year-old James Roger Lo after officers responded to a call at the west end of Liberty Avenue, located on the property of the Wagnor Development Corporation, according to an East Lansing Fire Department incident report. 

After the tunnel collapsed, witnesses at the scene said one boy ran for help while the others tried to free Lo from the dirt, according to the report. 

The report said when the fire department arrived on the scene there were approximately 20 adults trying to remove the boy with their hands and shovels.  The boy had been submerged for 12 minutes at this point, the report said. 

According to the report, the rescue was challenging as the walls of the tunnel continued to cave in with digging efforts.

 When Lo’s head was exposed from the dirt medics rushed to begin resuscitation efforts, however another collapse occurred before they were able to make any progress, the report said. 

The fire department was unable to use heavy equipment so as not to further injure the victim, the report said. 

The report said the body was recovered six feet from the opening of the tunnel at 5:24 p.m. and was taken to the Regional Medical Center where he was pronounced dead from an extensive lack of oxygen. 

Neighbors and witnesses were angry and said they had expressed to the property owner many times that the area was dangerous and needed a fence around the pond  so the neighborhood children could not have access to the land, according to the report. 

The report said the homeowner should be contacted as they may file a claim or have to be compensated for fence repairs. 

*****

Next up is this one: 

An 11-year-old East Lansing boy died yesterday evening after a tunnel he was digging with his friends collapsed on him.

James Roger Lo, a student at Lincoln Elementary School, and three of his friends were digging into the side of a hill near the pond on the west end of Liberty Avenue when, at 4:40 p.m., the tunnel collapsed, according to an incident report filed by Lt. Steven Chenn.

Also according to the report, the East Lansing Fire Department arrived onto the scene at 4:52 p.m., with some 20 adults already there, digging with their hands and a few shovels.

The bystanders expressed their anger at the property owner, Wagnor Development Corporation, for inaction on various warnings that the pond area was a popular but dangerous play area for children, according to the report.

Firefighters took over the work and manage to expose the boy’s head within ten minutes, but another collapse prevented medics from initiating resuscitation, the report said.

Heavy equipment was ruled out, as firefighters had to be careful not to further injure Lo, according to the report.

To expedite the rescue, the report said, firefighters tore sections from a fence at a nearby residence and used it as makeshift shoring to hold back the continually-collapsing dirt.

Lo was freed at 5:24 p.m., taken to East Lansing Regional Medical Center, and pronounced dead there from extensive lack of oxygen, the report said.

Police: Some Good Examples

Note a good lede that gets to what the latest news is, a strong nut graf that sums up what happened that brought us to the point of the lede, short paragraphs with each turn of events getting its own graf, and good and consistent attribution throughout: 

One man is in police custody and another is on the loose after the duo’s attempted robbery of a 24-hour convenience store went awry early this morning.

Jiffy Foods employee Terry DaRoza managed to fend off two men with nothing more than his cane after one of the men pulled a knife on him in an attempt to rob the 24-hour convenience store in Okemos. 

According to the Ingham County Sherriff’s Department’s police report, DaRoza said the two men arrived at approximately 1:15 a.m. and asked to use the restroom at the store, located at 4010 Holbrook Drive.

According to the police report, DaRoza then went behind the counter to get the key to the bathroom but was followed by one of the suspects, local resident Timothy Keel, 19, who then allegedly pulled out a knife.

DaRoza, who was still wearing a cast due to an injury he had suffered recently, used his cane to bludgeon Keel, hitting him repeatedly in the face, according to the police report.  

The blows caused Keel to fall to the floor, which is when the suspect still at large attempted to grab the cane from DaRoza, who proceeded to beat him with it, causing the suspect to flee, according to the police report.

A customer then entered and helped DaRoza tie Keel up using their belts to secure him until police arrived, according to the police report. 

Keel is now in police custody and is suffering from a broken nose and jaw from the beating he took at the hands of DaRoza. Keel is being charged with armed robbery and resisting a merchant, according to the police report. 

The police also said to be on the lookout for a brown, ’94, two-door Toyota Celica which the second suspect fled in.  
**** 
Here's another one worth reviewing: 

**** 

This morning a store clerk in Okemos apprehended one of the men who tried to rob the 24-hour establishment.

Terry DaRoza a full-time clerk at the Jiffy Foods, 4010 Holbrook Drive, subdued an armed assailant at approximately 1:15 this morning and with the help of a customer tied him up until police arrived.

DaRoza stated that he was cleaning a popcorn machine when two men entered Jiffy Foods around 1:15 a.m., according to an Ingham County Sheriff's Department report. 

They asked to use the restroom, and when he went to get the key from behind the counter one of the men allegedly pulled a knife, the report said.

The man who allegedly pulled the knife has been identified as Timothy Keel, the report said.

DaRoza uses a cane due to his leg being in a cast from a recent injury he obtained at construction job accident, the report said

DaRoza said that he swung his cane multiple times as hard as he could at Keel's face, according to the report.

Paramedics said that Keel's jaw, nose, and other bones in his face were broken, according to the report. 

At this time the unidentified second suspect attempted to grab DaRoza's cane, at which point DaRoza began to hit the suspect with his cane, the report said.

As the second suspect fled, Stuart Adler entered Jiffy Foods and proceeded to help DaRoza bind Keel with their belts, the report said.

Officers from the Ingham County Sheriff's Department arrived on scene around 1:30 a.m., the report said.

  

DaRoza said he was not injured in the incident, according to the report.

Keel was charged with armed robbery and resisting a merchant, the report said.

Meeting: A Good Example

Note the to-the-point lede and the strong nut graf and telling quotes tight grafs and ranking of information in order of importance and newsworthiness. Here we go:

 

The Grand Ledge School Board voted to keep using the same biology textbooks in Grand Ledge schools last night despite complaints from citizens that the books do not teach creationism.

After a lively public hearing that about 100 people attended, the board voted 6-3 to continue using the current textbooks.

“We’ve seen your biology books,” Grand Ledge parent Claire Sawyer said. “I don’t want my children using them. They never mention the theory of creationism.”

The debate went back and forth among members of the public in attendance.

“Evolution isn’t a theory,” Grand Ledge parent Harley Euon said. “It’s a proven fact. Creationism is a religious idea, not even a scientific theory. People here are trying to force schools to teach our children their religion.”

After the vote in favor of the current textbooks, the board said they encourage parents to discuss the matter of creationism versus evolution in their individual homes. 

In other discussion, the board opted to continue remedial summer classes for one more year, but to examine whether the remedial classes are worth their cost.

The classes, which the board said cost about $2.1 million, are set to stay for at least one more year after a 7-2 vote.

The classes are only used by about 900 students each summer, according to board member Umberto Vacante.

“If we’re going to spend that kind of money, I think we should use it to help and reward our most talented students,” Vacante said. “They’re the ones we ignore. We could offer special programs for them.”

Superintendent Greg Hubbard disagreed with Vacante’s assessment.

“Some of these summer students have learning disabilities and emotional problems, and they really need the help,” Hubbard said. “This would hurt them terribly. Without it, they might never graduate.”

In budget discussions, the board announced that $9.3 million of the $618.7 million in next year’s budget will be spent on the construction of a new elementary school on West Madison Avenue. 

The school will be completed and open in two years, the board said.

The board said teachers and administrators are set to receive wage increases of 4.5 percent and 6 percent, respectively.

Meeting: Did You ...

... write about everything that happened at the meeting? Or just the things you thought were most newsworthy?

And how would you rank the newsworthiness of the items that took place at the meeting? These were the things, in order of occurrence, at the school board meeting:

1. Retiring teachers honored
2. New budget approved that includes construction of a new school, pay raises
3. Board keeps summer school intact
4. Board decides to keep current biology textbooks and not teach creationism
5. School volunteers honored


Does the order of importance match the order of occurrence? How would you rank these things, in terms of importance?

The importance ranking should match your order of presentation, regardless of the order in which things took place. 

And when we talk about importance, think about what things are the most interesting or relevant or useful to your audience. Think about what is most unusual that took place. Think about what would have the most impact. Think about what people would be most curious about, or wanting to know about.

If you're not sure if your ranking of items based on newsworthiness is the best, here's a good rule of thumb: the item you wrote about the most is probably the one worth the best placement. The one you wrote about the least should probably be presented last, or maybe even not at all. 

I'd argue these were proper orders of importance. From the school meeting: 

1. Board decides to keep current biology textbooks and not teach creationism

2 or 3. New budget approved that includes construction of a new school, pay raises
3 or 2. Board keeps summer school intact
4 or 5. Retiring teachers honored
4 or 5. School volunteers honored


Our job as journalists isn't to necessarily record everything, and put things in the order in which it took place. That's stenography. Rather, we decide what was most important, and rank things in the order of importance.

What did you do, and why?

Controversial: A Roundup

Here's a quick roundup of some key points to learn from the "controversial" assignment:

1. Watch your facts! We had some fatals. Be sure to double-check names, titles and any word spellings where a misspelling can change the meaning of a sentence.

It's always the so-called simple stuff, so don't skimp on proofreading after you finish writing and before you send in your story. Do check against what's in the book to make sure what you write was what you intended to write and that it's actually correct.

In journalism, there is no such thing as a small mistake. The audience is right to ask themselves, if you can't get the small things right, why would they trust you with the big things? 

2. Write in many small paragraphs. In journalism, we generally try to write in very short paragraphs. What we try to do is limit a paragraph to one main idea OR one supporting idea OR one fact to support an idea. Not all of the above.

In general, that means many paragraphs will be just one or two sentences; the exact opposite of English comp writing styles that encourage massive paragraphs.

3. Forget the satisfying ending. In traditional English comp we write what is called a satisfying ending; that is, a closing statement that wraps everything up. Happily ever after, and so on.

But in journalistic writing we start with the ending in the lede -- end result and ultimate outcome, right? -- and then backtrack to let people know how we got to that ending and what facts support it.

That means in many journalistic stories, the ending will seem kind of abrupt. But that's okay. Just let the story end where it ends. Don't essentially repeat the lede by adding a satisfying ending.

4. Add attribution, and use it liberally. Let the reader know how you know what you know. Every paragraph after the lede should have attribution to whoever said whatever you're citing. 

5. Just use "said" for attribution. It's not so-and-so explained. It's so-and-so said.

It's not so-and-so commented. It's so-and-so said.

It's not so-and-so continued. It's so-and-so said.

It's not so-and-so described or told or stated or exclaimed.

It's so-and-so said. No need to find another word saying the same thing.

You cannot say said enough. It cannot be overused. I know in English comp you're taught to mix it up; someone said, then exclaimed, then stated, and whatever.

In journalistic writing, we strive for simplicity. And attributing statements are simple tags, so we try to keep the language simple and direct and consistent. So, if someone said something, just say said.

I know it's gonna look weird to you, having graf after graf that says so-and-so said this, and said that, and said some more. But again, we're striving for simplicity and consistency, not creativity in a word that's nothing more than a simple label.

6. Don't forget your articles. Not written articles. I'm talking about grammatical articles, like a, and, the.

Read your work out loud. If it sounds choppy and robotic-like and not like a complete sentence, then it's probably missing an article.

7. Don't forget AP Style! Be sure you're following the rules by looking up AP style usage for your work and making needed changes. And be sure that you're picking up AP style points as you go along, and use those lessons going forward.


Some basics from this assignment include:

• Use first and last names on all references when you have more than one person with the same last name in the same story.
• When there are no last name conflicts, the regular rule is we use first and last names on all first references, and the last name only on all subsequent references.
• Punctuation goes inside of quote marks, like this: "Hi," Omar said. Then he said, "bye."
• Titles are only capitalized when directly in front of a title holder's name: King Omar Sofradzija; the king is Omar Sofradzija; Omar Sofradzija is the king.
• The general AP style number rule is this: spell out numbers one through nine; use numerals for 10 and above. There are many exceptions, though, so please review the AP style section for numerals and numbers.

Controversial: Some Okay Examples

This first one is pretty good. Please note the contextual lede that goes to end result and ultimate outcome and small paragraphs that allow each turn of the story to physically stand out:

This years “Take Our Daughters to Work Day” did not end as smooth for the father and daughter duo when the father, Joseph Murphy, was unexpectedly removed from his position after 18 years of service in front of his daughter, Jennifer Murphy, and co-workers.

Soon after lunch with Jennifer Murphy in the cafeteria, Joseph Murphy was called in to speak with the directer of personnel to be fired immediately as a result of the financial problems that the company were experiencing.

“The company was eliminating a number of middle managers in the company and his position was one that was being eliminated,” said Marilyn Quentin, the personnel director.

He was then escorted by security back to his office to pack up his belongs.

“They shouldn't have fired me yesterday when my daughter was there,” Joseph Murphy said.

Joseph Murphy was the only employee being let go that did not receive an email or a notice from the Office of Human Resources or the company.

As a result, Joseph Murphy’s wife plans to sue the company for the emotional distress caused on their daughter and for the way the dismissal was handled.

********* 

In all fairness, I did clean this one up a bit to confirm with AP style rules and other minor matters. Same with this next one ...

Joseph Murphy thought it was going to be a fun day at work with his daughter, until he got fired that day from a company he's been working with for 18 years.

Yesterday was “Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” so, like any other father, Joseph Murphy brought his 14-year-old daughter Jennifer Murphy to Collins Industries. 

Joseph Murphy is the director of research at Collins Industries where he specializes in making and selling health care products and medical equipment. All employees at Collins Industries got an email, sent by the Office of Human Resources, that encouraged them to bring their daughters.

After lunch, around 2 p.m., Marilyn Quentin, the personnel director, called him in to fire him. The company was having financial issues and they were letting go of 8 mid-lever mangers that day to help cut costs. 

Quentin said,“The timing of the dismissal of Mr. Murphy was regrettable.”

Joseph Murphy, who got the job straight out of college, had to say,“It’s not me I worry about. It’s my daughter. It’s not right. They shouldn’t have fired me yesterday when I had my daughter there."

"I can’t believe they couldn’t have waited one damn day. It was too traumatic for Jennifer, seeing me treated like that, and I think we’ll have to get help for her, professional help,” he said.

The company is helping Joseph Murphy find a new job and is giving him 3 months of severance pay. Murphy’s wife Kathleen Murphy does not think they are doing enough and wants to sue the company for the way they fired him. 

No comment from the president of Collins Industries has been made at this time.

******

Here's one more ...

“Take Our Daughters to Work Day” wound up being last day of work for employee of 18 years after he was fired in front of his daughter. 

Yesterday morning, Joseph Murphy, 40, decided that he would take his 14-year-old daughter, Jennifer Murphy, to work with him at Collins Industries, where he held the position of director of research. 

Collins Industries hired Joseph Murphy after he graduated from college as a research assistant. He received two promotions in his 18 years with the company and was now managing a staff of 14.  

Joseph and JenniferMurphy arrived at work at his normal starting time of 8 a.m., and for the next six hours, Jennifer was able to observe her dad go about a seemingly normal workday. 

That was until 2 p.m., when her dad was called in to the personnel director Marilyn Quentin’s office. 

Joseph Murphy was being informed that, as a result of financial troubles for the company, he would be fired. He was then escorted back to his office by security and given one hour to leave. 

Joseph Murphy was upset about losing his job, but seemed more concerned about the impact it would have on Jennifer Murphy.

“It’s not right. They shouldn’t have fired me yesterday when I had my daughter there.” Joseph Murphy said. “It was too traumatic for Jennifer, seeing me treated like that, and I think we’ll have to get help for her, professional help.” 

Joseph Murphy was given severance, but his wife, Kathleen Murphy, thinks they should sue for the way he was terminated.

Joseph Murphy was one of eight people Collins Industries fired yesterday, a cost-cutting measure the company claims was necessary. 

“The timing of the dismissal of Mr. Murphy was regrettable,” said Quentin. Collins Industries’ president was unable to be reached for comment.

*******

Lawsuit: A Good Example

Consistent attribution, consistent use of allegedly and a lede/nut graf sequence that zeroes in on the main point:

Two parents are suing the Kennedy High School principal, superintendent, and East Lansing School District for $500,000 in Ingham County Circuit Court for the alleged faulty education of their son.

Parents Thaddeus and Laura Dowdell allege that their son James Dowdell has not learned enough to be graduated from high school and that this is the failure of Principal Marvin Ferrell, Superintendent Greg Hubbard and the school district.

James Dowdell, who has attended Kennedy High School for the past three years, has allegedly been told that he will graduate from the school on or around the beginning of next June, according to the lawsuit.

The problem is that James Dowdell’s parents allege that he can barely read or do simple arithmetic and has not learned enough to be graduated from high school or to successfully function in a society as complex as ours, according to the lawsuit. 

Thaddeus and Laura Dowdell allege that the fault does not lie with son James, who according to tests administered by guidance counselors at Kennedy High School has an average IQ of 94, according to the lawsuit. 

The Dowdells allege that it is the failure of the defendants to employ competent teachers, to maintain discipline, to provide remedial help and to provide an atmosphere in which learning might take place, according to the lawsuit.

Along with $500,000 in compensatory damages, the Dowdells are also demanding that James Dowdell be retained at the high school until he further masters the skills expected of a high school graduate, according to the lawsuit.

The plaintiffs are also demanding a trial by jury, according to the lawsuit.

Rescue: A Few Good Examples ...

... of doing this story well. First, this one:

Play fort-building with friends ended tragically yesterday at 4:40 p.m., after a tunnel four boys were digging suddenly collapsed and only three made it out alive. 

The victim has been identified as 11-year-old James Roger Lo after officers responded to a call at the west end of Liberty Avenue, located on the property of the Wagnor Development Corporation, according to an East Lansing Fire Department incident report. 

After the tunnel collapsed, witnesses at the scene said one boy ran for help while the others tried to free Lo from the dirt, according to the report. 

The report said when the fire department arrived on the scene there were approximately 20 adults trying to remove the boy with their hands and shovels.  The boy had been submerged for 12 minutes at this point, the report said. 

According to the report, the rescue was challenging as the walls of the tunnel continued to cave in with digging efforts.

 When Lo’s head was exposed from the dirt medics rushed to begin resuscitation efforts, however another collapse occurred before they were able to make any progress, the report said. 

The fire department was unable to use heavy equipment so as not to further injure the victim, the report said. 

The report said the body was recovered six feet from the opening of the tunnel at 5:24 p.m. and was taken to the Regional Medical Center where he was pronounced dead from an extensive lack of oxygen. 

Neighbors and witnesses were angry and said they had expressed to the property owner many times that the area was dangerous and needed a fence around the pond  so the neighborhood children could not have access to the land, according to the report. 

The report said the homeowner should be contacted as they may file a claim or have to be compensated for fence repairs. 

*****

Next up is this one: 

An 11-year-old East Lansing boy died yesterday evening after a tunnel he was digging with his friends collapsed on him.

James Roger Lo, a student at Lincoln Elementary School, and three of his friends were digging into the side of a hill near the pond on the west end of Liberty Avenue when, at 4:40 p.m., the tunnel collapsed, according to an incident report filed by Lt. Steven Chenn.

Also according to the report, the East Lansing Fire Department arrived onto the scene at 4:52 p.m., with some 20 adults already there, digging with their hands and a few shovels.

The bystanders expressed their anger at the property owner, Wagnor Development Corporation, for inaction on various warnings that the pond area was a popular but dangerous play area for children, according to the report.

Firefighters took over the work and manage to expose the boy’s head within ten minutes, but another collapse prevented medics from initiating resuscitation, the report said.

Heavy equipment was ruled out, as firefighters had to be careful not to further injure Lo, according to the report.

To expedite the rescue, the report said, firefighters tore sections from a fence at a nearby residence and used it as makeshift shoring to hold back the continually-collapsing dirt.

Lo was freed at 5:24 p.m., taken to East Lansing Regional Medical Center, and pronounced dead there from extensive lack of oxygen, the report said.

Police: Some Good Examples

Note a good lede that gets to what the latest news is, a strong nut graf that sums up what happened that brought us to the point of the lede, short paragraphs with each turn of events getting itss own graf, and good and consistent attribution throughout: 

One man is in police custody and another is on the loose after the duo’s attempted robbery of a 24-hour convenience store went awry early this morning.

Jiffy Foods employee Terry DaRoza managed to fend off two men with nothing more than his cane after one of the men pulled a knife on him in an attempt to rob the 24-hour convenience store in Okemos. 

According to the Ingham County Sherriff’s Department’s police report, DaRoza said the two men arrived at approximately 1:15 a.m. and asked to use the restroom at the store, located at 4010 Holbrook Drive.

According to the police report, DaRoza then went behind the counter to get the key to the bathroom but was followed by one of the suspects, local resident Timothy Keel, 19, who then allegedly pulled out a knife.

DaRoza, who was still wearing a cast due to an injury he had suffered recently, used his cane to bludgeon Keel, hitting him repeatedly in the face, according to the police report.  

The blows caused Keel to fall to the floor, which is when the suspect still at large attempted to grab the cane from DaRoza, who proceeded to beat him with it, causing the suspect to flee, according to the police report.

A customer then entered and helped DaRoza tie Keel up using their belts to secure him until police arrived, according to the police report. 

Keel is now in police custody and is suffering from a broken nose and jaw from the beating he took at the hands of DaRoza. Keel is being charged with armed robbery and resisting a merchant, according to the police report. 

The police also said to be on the lookout for a brown, ’94, two-door Toyota Celica which the second suspect fled in. 
**** 
Here's another one worth reviewing:

**** 

This morning a store clerk in Okemos apprehended one of the men who tried to rob the 24-hour establishment.

Terry DaRoza a full-time clerk at the Jiffy Foods, 4010 Holbrook Drive, subdued an armed assailant at approximately 1:15 this morning and with the help of a customer tied him up until police arrived.

DaRoza stated that he was cleaning a popcorn machine when two men entered Jiffy Foods around 1:15 a.m., according to an Ingham County Sheriff's Department report. 

They asked to use the restroom, and when he went to get the key from behind the counter one of the men allegedly pulled a knife, the report said.

The man who allegedly pulled the knife has been identified as Timothy Keel, the report said.

DaRoza uses a cane due to his leg being in a cast from a recent injury he obtained at construction job accident, the report said

DaRoza said that he swung his cane multiple times as hard as he could at Keel's face, according to the report.

Paramedics said that Keel's jaw, nose, and other bones in his face were broken, according to the report. 

At this time the unidentified second suspect attempted to grab DaRoza's cane, at which point DaRoza began to hit the suspect with his cane, the report said.

As the second suspect fled, Stuart Adler entered Jiffy Foods and proceeded to help DaRoza bind Keel with their belts, the report said.

Officers from the Ingham County Sheriff's Department arrived on scene around 1:30 a.m., the report said.

  

DaRoza said he was not injured in the incident, according to the report.

Keel was charged with armed robbery and resisting a merchant, the report said.

Meeting: A Good Example

Note the to-the-point lede and the strong nut graf and telling quotes tight grafs and ranking of information in order of importance and newsworthiness. Here we go:

 

The Grand Ledge School Board voted to keep using the same biology textbooks in Grand Ledge schools last night despite complaints from citizens that the books do not teach creationism.

After a lively public hearing that about 100 people attended, the board voted 6-3 to continue using the current textbooks.

“We’ve seen your biology books,” Grand Ledge parent Claire Sawyer said. “I don’t want my children using them. They never mention the theory of creationism.”

The debate went back and forth among members of the public in attendance.

“Evolution isn’t a theory,” Grand Ledge parent Harley Euon said. “It’s a proven fact. Creationism is a religious idea, not even a scientific theory. People here are trying to force schools to teach our children their religion.”

After the vote in favor of the current textbooks, the board said they encourage parents to discuss the matter of creationism versus evolution in their individual homes. 

In other discussion, the board opted to continue remedial summer classes for one more year, but to examine whether the remedial classes are worth their cost.

The classes, which the board said cost about $2.1 million, are set to stay for at least one more year after a 7-2 vote.

The classes are only used by about 900 students each summer, according to board member Umberto Vacante.

“If we’re going to spend that kind of money, I think we should use it to help and reward our most talented students,” Vacante said. “They’re the ones we ignore. We could offer special programs for them.”

Superintendent Greg Hubbard disagreed with Vacante’s assessment.

“Some of these summer students have learning disabilities and emotional problems, and they really need the help,” Hubbard said. “This would hurt them terribly. Without it, they might never graduate.”

In budget discussions, the board announced that $9.3 million of the $618.7 million in next year’s budget will be spent on the construction of a new elementary school on West Madison Avenue. 

The school will be completed and open in two years, the board said.

The board said teachers and administrators are set to receive wage increases of 4.5 percent and 6 percent, respectively.